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 Respite - old World of Darkness, Vampire: The Dark Ages, a tale of the disappearing Lhiannan

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Velvet
Antediluvian
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PostSubject: Respite - old World of Darkness, Vampire: The Dark Ages, a tale of the disappearing Lhiannan   Sun Oct 09, 2011 5:52 am

Respite

Let me know if you want the story posted here or if you are content with the hyperlink

Edit:
as always, I did what research I could on Lhiannan, and then for fictional purposes that served the plot of the story I took some liberties. I hope I can be forgiven for that and that I don't anger too much Gangrel or Lhiannan fans and purists, trust me I love them well enough and I endeavoured to treat them with the utmost respect.


(Claudia edit : I edited to make the link where to clic to read the story easier to find ^^)
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PostSubject: Re: Respite - old World of Darkness, Vampire: The Dark Ages, a tale of the disappearing Lhiannan   Sun Oct 09, 2011 6:41 am

As a long time fan of all things Gangrel, including the Lhiannan, I have to give you credit for writing something so interesting. Plenty of others will criticize your style and grammatical errors, but I feel that these are things of which you are already quite aware. I could sense that you struggled in parts to avoid sounding like a recitation of material from the World of Darkness source books, and I think you may have succeeded just a smidge, but it still has a few passages that sound too much like I'm reading from a Lhiannan clanbook.

Overall, I look forward to your next installment, as this has certainly piqued my interest. I think your tale shows great potential, and I hope that your later chapters fulfill that promise. When writing more of it, I strongly suggest reading pp. 129-130 of 'The Player's Guide to the Low Clans' from Vampire the dark Ages, as well as all the 'in-character' narratives from all Gangrel sourcebooks: I think these materials might help you focus your story a bit.
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PostSubject: Re: Respite - old World of Darkness, Vampire: The Dark Ages, a tale of the disappearing Lhiannan   Sun Oct 09, 2011 12:22 pm

I never read Gangrel ClanBook.
My research was from the internet, almost wholly limited to the White Wolf Wikia.

As for grammatical errors indeed I've been over that with other people in this forum... Alas...

But the story is complete.
Even though the link only gives access to the first chapter, the site where the story is published allows to scroll to the following Pages / Chapters.

Oh and since I was writing for a general fan fiction site, not one specific to vampires, I could not assume that my readership "was in the know", so in the first chapter I felt the need for some exposition, "Tell instead of Show", to outline the background of the story for those innocent to the mythos. But only in the introductory chapter. And also to establish both what is canonical and what was my idiosyncratic take on the subject matter.

Please feel free to reread it and search for the scroll button that will give you access to the subsequent chapters.

I am also a fan of Celts and Vikings and the times when they came into contact. Both in human history and in Old World of Darkness mythos. I hope I did justice to everything.
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PostSubject: Re: Respite - old World of Darkness, Vampire: The Dark Ages, a tale of the disappearing Lhiannan   Sun Oct 09, 2011 4:32 pm

Oh, heh, silly me. I found it. Am reading now...
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PostSubject: Re: Respite - old World of Darkness, Vampire: The Dark Ages, a tale of the disappearing Lhiannan   Mon Oct 10, 2011 4:14 am

It might be hard to figure it for someone unfamiliar with the syetem, and indeed the link is misleading, only for the first chapter. And the imposition that you indeed post chapter per chapter, each one an individual document.
It took ME a hard time figuring out how to post the story in the first place, so, fret not.

Be sure to let me know what you think of it when you finish the story!
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PostSubject: Re: Respite - old World of Darkness, Vampire: The Dark Ages, a tale of the disappearing Lhiannan   Tue Oct 11, 2011 5:13 am

Have you already been able to read the whole story??
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PostSubject: Re: Respite - old World of Darkness, Vampire: The Dark Ages, a tale of the disappearing Lhiannan   Tue Oct 11, 2011 5:16 am

Sorry, no--not yet. Been busy with other things. I'll get to reading it, I promise.

And hey! Back off my favorite Tremere! *Growls and stiffens up like a dog ready to pounce on a threat to his master.*

Oh fuck, did I just refer to a Tremere as 'master'? Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit...
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PostSubject: Re: Respite - old World of Darkness, Vampire: The Dark Ages, a tale of the disappearing Lhiannan   Tue Oct 11, 2011 7:21 am

*throws a blood cookie*
Good boy !

I'll get into this at lunch break :-)
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PostSubject: Re: Respite - old World of Darkness, Vampire: The Dark Ages, a tale of the disappearing Lhiannan   Tue Oct 11, 2011 8:14 am

*Warily nibbles on blood cookie, ears perked, waiting for the retribution...*

Oh boy.

(Edit: Hey, look at that -- I'm an Ancilla now. Woot woot!!!)


Last edited by Voraxith on Tue Oct 11, 2011 8:15 am; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : Yay me!)
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PostSubject: Re: Respite - old World of Darkness, Vampire: The Dark Ages, a tale of the disappearing Lhiannan   Tue Oct 11, 2011 12:46 pm

Good job, mate!

*Tries to steal the bloodcookie when Voraxith isn't looking*
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PostSubject: Re: Respite - old World of Darkness, Vampire: The Dark Ages, a tale of the disappearing Lhiannan   Wed Oct 12, 2011 6:41 am

From American Gods by Neil Gaiman,
But it could apply to Werewolf,
Or even to Gangrel:

"..., the growl of a huge dog who's not looking for a fight but can always finish one by ripping out your throat, ..."
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PostSubject: Re: Respite - old World of Darkness, Vampire: The Dark Ages, a tale of the disappearing Lhiannan   Wed Oct 12, 2011 8:31 am

*throws a second blood cookie for the fluffy kindred*


I got through the story. I liked it, it's well written, it's clear enough if you read fast enough to get the global meaning (although you should have made paragraphs and not just one sentence per line, but on the telephone it's easier to read because of the narrow screen, oddly).
Maybe you shouldn't have added the three words at the beginning, and also at the end, it was a little "too much". I didn't get the angst and the horror of the situation per se, which is a little sad. There is a slight weird thing. The character describes her daily, usual life with her tree, yet, her daily life doesn't seem threatened that muich. She explains her condition, yes, but she's also fleeing. Maybe you should have separated both, one text about the running, and then, a "letter" or somesort explaining her condition.
When you don't have time and energy to think about what happened, you don't. She couldn't have find the time to question it, all at the same time.

I'm not a huge fan of the pagan side, that's a reason why I never got inspired by werewolf nor the gangrel in general.. Because I consider vampires being urban creatures. Then again, are we talking middle ages ?

Could I work on it a little ?
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PostSubject: Re: Respite - old World of Darkness, Vampire: The Dark Ages, a tale of the disappearing Lhiannan   Thu Oct 13, 2011 6:01 am

Claudia perhaps you like Voraxith were not aware that the link leads only to the first chapter, and that there was somewhere a button that allows you to scroll to further chapters?

Me I am very keen on pagan and gangrel and werewolf. But okay there is room on this earth for everybody.
Yes this is Old World of Darkness, Vampire the Dark Ages.

Sometimes in a flight there is the need for a breather, and room for one.
And like I explained Voraxith I needed that breather as a place to set up the background of the story for people wholly new to the mythos, and the background of the character.
In subsequent chapters the pace of the chase does picks up.

And I guess....
All current literature is derived from ancient myths. And they were told in verse.
I dared to endeavor to give a flair of that to my story, with poetic repetitions of senteneces and making sure the title sentence of the chapter appeared amidst the text of the chapter itself.
Perhaps I failed in my endeavor. Perhaps it shocks readers used to more modern styles of storytelling.
I tried for a balance, probably there I fell short.

Edit:
Sometimes for poetic effects I do make single sentences as paragraphs, instead of stirnging them along in longer chapters.
But the converter from my word document original to the format of the site's document messed up with the lines and the spaces between them. Some of what you mention is the fault of that converter. It would look different in my word document original.

Edit 2:
I am all for creative commons and groups working together in improving something, my belonging to this forum is a political statement in that regard. (I recently read a book review on a book about that, but I forget the term... comunal creativity?)
So yes by all means feel free to tinker all you like with my text, I would appreciate it.
I am glad you enjoyed it. But actually that you want to tinker with it is to me a greater endorsment.
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PostSubject: Re: Respite - old World of Darkness, Vampire: The Dark Ages, a tale of the disappearing Lhiannan   Today at 10:20 am

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