Comments On Published Fan Fiction

Interesting read, thanks for the story Velvet!

much obliged!
it is in fanfiction, as well, though to find it you have to go roundabout: under Sandman Crossover, then look for rating: M

thank you very much for being the first to speak about it here!

though i would prefer you had done it somewhere else...

feel free to use this comic er.. thread to comment on Fan Fiction that others publish in the topic Fan Fiction.

since so far mine is the only one published, i would greatly appreciate your feedback on my story.

Well I tried reading it, but maybe because English is not my native language, I just can't get through the text (maybe you should make paragraphs, punctuation, leave some spaces...).

Claudia, I doubt the fault is your own.

Took me several attempts to read even the first part. The writing is convoluted and much of the description is unecessary or simply incorrect use of the english language.

The elements drawn together to produce a protagonist were ill researched and at a few points come across as mildly insulting.

You need to be careful of repetition of words and proper grammar in your sentences. Basic rules of 'a' and 'an' along with standards for paragraphs, conversations and the purposes of words would greatly enrich your writing.

Your 'chapters' are stilted and do not flow from one action to the other, instead a string of unrelated events that are expected to make sense, this doesn't work well in any form of prose.

If you were attempting to take a look into the malkavian mindset then you overshot the mark painfully. Inserting Lilith and Caine was downright crass, as was reducing reducing a rape victim to be a description of a battered mass who would hungrily lick up blood from a stranger. I refused to read much beyond that point as a matter of fact due to the chain of ill-researched and crude events conveyed, it went beyond mysterious, horrifying or even philosophical and into simply the realm of ridiculous and offensive.

Sorry that I upset you Velvet, by lavishing some praise on you, by posting "Incorrectly". That thread had no lock on it, prohibiting such a posting, so I figured I'd give you a good "thank you". It felt kind of strange to have given out some well deserved praise, and then be told the complement wasn't given in the right context and in the proper way...sigh. I'll try and get it right the next time I give out a complement, good thing I am used to getting hit...I would think you didn't like me ROFL

In all seriousness though, very sorry that I posted in the wrong spot, I meant no harm

Maximus, I really don't see why you should be sorry. There was no "right" spot for it, when you posted your comment. Velvet only created this thread as a reaction to your message.

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indeed maximus childe of malkav is right maybe i should have done it previously

8 people indeed english is my second language as well, and...

WOW you really hated my story!!! i'm impressed!!!

Not necessarily hate.

Your writing would greatly improve if you plotted out things and you researched elements of what you were writing about. Some of the elements you chose to include were cheap and ill portrayed, detracting from the tale itself.

(in my case, English is my third language, after French and Spanish, tmyk)

I don't think 8people hates it just purely and simply, but I do think he has some literate knowledge (by that I mean I think you know writter is an actual job with research and proofs).

I have a lot to do, but I'll re-try reading it ^^


(I might one day translate a couple of things I wrote for my campaigns..)

She

And correct, I have done editorial work for fiction and formal publications as well as had a few small pieces published. Nothing special and nothing recent. Helps pay the bills though

8 people, your language was a bit... harsh, you could have expressed your misgivings with my story to me in the same way you expressed them to claudia.

which is not to say that i got the same impression as what seems to be actual knowledge possessed by claudia, that you are a professional in the writing line of work

and it also does not necessarily mean that i do not see your point.

what i think is, your criticism was so... harsh, so harshly voiced, a basic thrashing and dismissal of my story, it is hard to take it as constructive criticism which would help me improve it or improve futher work...

it almost feels like an attack on me, a thrashing and dismissal of me, which on one hand might be explained with identification of writer with his work, but on the other hand seems consistent with previous responses by you to my postings.

point is, i might argue (in the good sense) with you, deffend some option, explain others, agree with you on some others and actually try to incorporate some suggestion,

but in the way that you voiced your opininon i will take it as no more than an expression of hate.

and you know what? some other people loved it
so for me, to create stuff that some people love while others hate, i will consider it an accomplishment, wouldn't you say so??

childe of munster, that is...
more! i want more!
it's good, but...
it raises more questions than it answers!
it ONLY raises questions!!!

Velvet wrote:

childe of munster, that is...
more! i want more!
it's good, but...
it raises more questions than it answers!
it ONLY raises questions!!!

Yes, it does. You know well enough how much work it is to write stuff.

And thank you for the encouragement. I'm thinking now the scene should take place in the hospital basement rather than somewhere with a heavy oaken table.

Which hospital basement?
Vandal's bloody emporium or Pisha's temporary lodgings?

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Childe of Malkav wrote:

Which hospital basement?
Vandal's bloody emporium or Pisha's temporary lodgings?

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Pisha's. If a Ghoul is going to Diablerize his "sire," I'm thinking he or she needs a pretty private place to do it. My original notion was that it was taking place in the Kindred's haven. Also, the Kindred's Clan is intentionally ambiguous (probably not Nosferatu, though). However, the Santa Monica haven does not have a big, heavy table, and a Ghoul couldn't chain up and drain "master" in the Tremere haven with Strauss just downstairs.

I've never played PnP (old or new) WoD, so I have no idea if according to standard rules if a Ghoul can become Kindred by draining and drinking his "sire's" blood, but it's an idea that I have always liked, from a fictional perspective. One more reason for Kindred to treat their Ghouls nicely and one more reason they are, as Skelter puts it, a weakness.

I do plan to continue, I just have to puzzle out where to go with the story. Kind of like modding, eh?

A ghoul can't do that, they need to drain all of their OWN blood and then drink from a vampire. Also the blood bond creates artificial love so the ghoul can't bear to injure their regent.

8people wrote:

A ghoul can't do that, they need to drain all of their OWN blood and then drink from a vampire. Also the blood bond creates artificial love so the ghoul can't bear to injure their regent.

How could a Ghoul drain all his or her own blood without dying in the process?

Childe of Munster wrote:

I've never played PnP (old or new) WoD, so I have no idea if according to standard rules if a Ghoul can become Kindred by draining and drinking his "sire's" blood, but it's an idea that I have always liked, from a fictional perspective. One more reason for Kindred to treat their Ghouls nicely and one more reason they are, as Skelter puts it, a weakness.

Actually, I don't think they can, but hey - don't worry about it too much. Like they say in the corebook, throw away the rules or change them as you please (quote: There are no rules) - you should have fun, after all, whether that's while gaming or while writing. (But you shouldn't expect everybody to agree with what you do - if you're only writing for writings sake (or fun) you should be fine, though.)

Childe of Munster wrote:

I do plan to continue, I just have to puzzle out where to go with the story. Kind of like modding, eh?

Yeah, for me writing is a lot like I imagine modding to be. (I've never done that myself except wit the TES editor for Morrowind, and that tool makes it pretty easy and comfortable to script. In comparison to what you have to do for Bloodlines modding, that is.)
At the moment I'm researching a lot of stuff for the oWoD, especially concerning the Camarilla and Clan Ventrue and I'm trying to put a picture together from the pieces of knowledge I scratch out of every source that doesn't get out of reach fast enough. (Poor, poor sources. )
This state of work is a lot like getting familiar with whatever you want to mod - testing what works and what doesn't, what's possible and what's not, and how everything is already set up - and it includes looking for holes to exploit, too. (Sounds worse than it is. )
Then, if you know what you can do (and what you can't), you can start playing with your possibilites, tossing ideas around in your head, testing scenarios (this comparison works really well, I think) and generally deciding what you want to do with the resources that you have.
And that should be the point at which you start to flesh out the plot - or the mod itself.
Only then, if this is done, if you have a map you can follow so you won't get lost along the way, the real work can start. Writing, scripting, testing what works and what doesn't, fixing every bug and error you encounter... and maybe releasing a beta because (insert number greater than two) eyes see more than two can.
If you're finished (and pleased), you can still go through it looking for bugs you didn't catch the first time and try to squash them ... and then you release it. (Or not, if you decide not to.)
Then, even though somebody will probably spot more mistakes or will have simply incomparability issues, is the time you can enjoy what you created. Oh, and not to mention be proud of it.

Yeah. Random rambling in topics is most random... but I had to say that. I had to.

Eliza wrote:

Actually, I don't think they can, but hey - don't worry about it too much. Like they say in the corebook, throw away the rules or change them as you please (quote: There are no rules) - you should have fun, after all, whether that's while gaming or while writing. (But you shouldn't expect everybody to agree with what you do - if you're only writing for writings sake (or fun) you should be fine, though.)

I don't think 8people was disagreeing with me so much as answering my question. And certainly I agree with you that I am not going to be constrained by the rules of VtM.

Quote :

Yeah, for me writing is a lot like I imagine modding to be. (I've never done that myself except wit the TES editor for Morrowind, and that tool makes it pretty easy and comfortable to script. In comparison to what you have to do for Bloodlines modding, that is.)

A good writer and a good modder both get storylines, characters, dialogue, etc., at least mapped out a little bit before diving in. It's clear that Zer0Morph and Childe of Malkav put some thought into where they were headed before they did things. Other mods are just slap-dash affairs, and lack cohesiveness.

[snip, although snipping it from the quote does not mean I didn't read it, because I did]

Quote :

Yeah. Random rambling in topics is most random... but I had to say that. I had to.

You should plan your randomness.

z.o.o. wrote:

Does anyone remember wodonlinenews.net circa June 2009? I do.

This nightclub bar was the creation of one named Titus. He made manifest the characters of Dustin and Katie, and mentioned the six private rooms in back. This was opening night, the music of Muse filled the air, and Katie was Dustin's very first customer. Katie, attractive, flaxen-haired, half-English (the other half wasn't specified), reluctant misfit, had already ordered a Newcastle Brown Ale on the house, taken a sip, and was gathering her purse to leave while Dustin was headed to the back rooms before I added to Titus's story.

His invitation to add on was open to anyone,"...so long as no one trashes my bar." he wrote.

So you're inviting people to continue the story, as long as they don't trash the joint?

Childe of Munster wrote:

So you're inviting people to continue the story, as long as they don't trash the joint?

Go for it.

z.o.o. wrote:

Go for it.

I'd first have to think of something good to add.

Childe of Munster wrote:

z.o.o. wrote:

Go for it.

I'd first have to think of something good to add.

Write what would embarrass you if someone were to divine that the contents of what you wrote were actually portions of you. Do this with style and a touch of tenderness and you've got it made.

That's the mistake Titus made, he was trying to be too cool. He was nowhere to be found in his own story.