Comments On Published Fan Fiction

z.o.o. wrote:

Write what would embarrass you if someone were to divine that the contents of what you wrote were actually portions of you.

If I followed that advice, then no one would have to divine anything, and I'd be embarrassed.

eliza, i like your attitude towards writing.

z.o.o. that's actually how i wrote my piece of fanfiction.
the protagonist is a bit like me when i go out to the world, and who she encounters is who i would like to encounter, and more, i tend to exalt with added symbolism who i do really meet out in the world.

Archon, nice poem (and I'm not just saying that because you bothered to post it here). Nice form and imagery. Did you write that previously, or just for here (just curious)?

Childe of Munster wrote:

There was a young vamp from Nantuckett...

"A bucket of blood? I don't need any grizzly company. Hey now youngster, don't look at me like that. Okay now, sugar mouth. Get off my neck." said an irritated Jeremiah Johnson.

He wasn't surprised at all.

hey, Velvet, sonnet #1 was terrific. I read it twice so I could "hear" the words roll off my brain's virtual tongue.

Velvet wrote:

I hate the sun’s sultry molten yellow metal fondle...Where before, against my desire, I was penetrated...

Oooooo weee. That is one ambivalent alley cat.

I'd pet her until my hand cramped up, and I couldn't pet her any more.

Heaven forbid she should ever sucker me into thinking she was in heat.

childe of munster:
thanks!
i wrote it a long time ago, when i endeavored to write sonnets "by the book", crossing every t and dotting every i

zoo
i would rip your throat out with my fangs, and leave your corpse to decay, not having deigned to feed from you - did you miss my point?

Velvet wrote:

childe of munster:
thanks!
i wrote it a long time ago, when i endeavored to write sonnets "by the book", crossing every t and dotting every i

How recently did you write #2? I have to say, I don't like #2 nearly as much.

Velvet wrote:

zoo
i would rip your throat out with my fangs, and leave your corpse to decay, not having deigned to feed from you - did you miss my point?

Listen well, you grinding gear. Your insolence will mean your ruination before long. Your mind will seize, sputter and die irreparably. But, all hope is not lost. Those who call themselves mechanics of the mind, these men and women who bear the moniker psychiatrist and psychologist, can service you well if you let them.

I am Zosimus, do not dare make me pay for your sins.

childe of munster, actually they were written practically at the same time.
but the second poem, for all it's mature content, is nothing more than a chant of feminist empowerment.
think Drusilla from Buffy the Vampire Hunter.

and for all that the first poem sounds good, it's theme is dark.
like someone says, it speaks of ambivalence
first she says she prefers the moon to the sun
then she says that she misses the sun and grows weary of the moon
and then that ambivalence darkens her

Velvet wrote:

childe of munster, actually they were written practically at the same time.
but the second poem, for all it's mature content, is nothing more than a chant of feminist empowerment.

I am in favor of feminist empowerment as anyone. I'm not made uncomfortable by the topic, I just don't like the sonnet as much.

I really like the first one.

Velvet wrote:

childe of munster, actually they were written practically at the same time.
but the second poem, for all it's mature content, is nothing more than a chant of feminist empowerment.
think Drusilla from Buffy the Vampire Hunter.

and for all that the first poem sounds good, it's theme is dark.
like someone says, it speaks of ambivalence
first she says she prefers the moon to the sun
then she says that she misses the sun and grows weary of the moon
and then that ambivalence darkens her

Drusilla from Buffy the Vampire Slayer? Oooooo weee, now you're talkin', Puppet. Her feral gaze was mesmerizing, I was awash in the countenance of her own feminist empowerment. Man, I would let her deceive me twice as often as I would let her ravish me, and I would let her annul me twice as often as she would deceive me, if it were possible.

Was she crazy? Hell yeah. Crazy hot!

If you're into annulling, you should become a Catholic, get married, don't have sex, have marriage terminated (and not by Arnold Schwarzenegger).

Childe of Munster wrote:

If you're into annulling, you should become a Catholic, get married, don't have sex, have marriage terminated (and not by Arnold Schwarzenegger).

But all of that would require mature, adult, resolute, commitment! Forget that. Who do you think I am, NOT American? I slay me again!

I'd suggest leaving out the Catholic part for sure, annulling or not

Huh, well, now I submitted a piece, too.
'Alltägliche Pflichten' is, who would've guessed, German and roughly reads as 'daily duties'.
Actually this is just some kind of oneshot I've written to get known to a few of my OCs. I want to write a longer fanfiction about VtMB, but I'm still in the research phase, albeit almost finished. I guess I'll then start doing more of these oneshots to get familiar with the cast (huge, huge masses of OCs...) and if anybody likes them, I'll post them here.
Anyway, if you have any (constructive) critic, feel free to tear my work apart. It's still 'raw', I think, and I'm not sure I got my character right, but first times are always awkward, aren't they?
Oh, but please refrain from commenting about anything that has to do with the Werewolf rulebook. Honestly. There are not going to be any werewolves in my fanfic. Well, except the ones in VtMB. I know nothing about those guys. Really. And if I will include them in my writing against my better judgment, I'm certainly not going with canon rules. I've read enough stuff on the VtM canon world already.

(P.S.: I really do appreciate critics ony my English skills, even though I (at this moment) plan on writing in German first. Really, if you spot any mistakes, let me know. And let me know how the text reads to you. Any particular feelings it conjures while reading? Something odd about it?)

I wouldn't worry "too" much about your English, Eliza, as it is better than many that speak and write it as their native language

Well personally I'd like the idea. But as a moderator I have to be careful about suggesting things like this. If I allow for a german version here, I have to allow other languages, too. And if it's a language, only a few people can understand, there is nobody to check if it contains things we really don't want here.
This would be explicit calls for illegal action, or fascist crap like racism.
Please don't get me wrong on this. I don't want censorship here, but we can't support illegal content. It might get the whole forum into trouble.

-

Thanks, Maximus. I do certainly love this language. It's so ... fluent. I think for me it's like the reputation that French has. Soft, flowing off your tongue and perfect for wooing women.
I see your point, Malkav, and if anybody wants to read the fanfic in German ... weeeeell, I have an account at good old fanfiction.net. I'm sure it wouldn't be a problem to post it there. (Once I've figured out how this site works, and once I've started writing. Maybe I'll give it a try next month in my autumn holidays, but I don't want to hurry. Hurrying only damaged all of my literature works up to now. That's why I'm also against Zer0's hurrying with TFN...)

Or you just post it on a fanfiction site which supports that language. Like Eliza said, fanfiction.net is one site where fanfiction can be published, DeviantArt and other sites also support things in multiple languages.

It's better off keeping the forum to a common language everyone can understand and get involved with.

“And then, as soon as sunlight had faded, only to be replaced by even brighter electrical luminance, something else, something entirely sinister and mischief took control of the body that was labeled with those two silly letters.”

Oooo. This is an excellent way to end a paragraph, Eliza. “…that was labeled with those two silly letters.” This phrase quickened me as soon as I heard it.

Try this: “…which let her view the nightly Los Angeles, or “L.A.” as it is known to the natives; one of the many cities…”

Doing this makes the correlation between those two silly letters and the name of the city more explicit without losing the allegorical flare.

You must be explicit in your action sentences. Every object the character interacts with must be accounted for, until the character is done with it.

-The violin disappears after she turns away from her window.

-The solving of the werewolf problem was only implied. After, “No way she would be going through the ugly process of exsanguinating a really nosy and resilient, albeit stupid and untrained werewolf in her expensive dresses.” this is the perfect opportunity for concrete action sentences which describe her changing out of the dress into different clothes or even staying completely naked after she takes off her dress and hangs it up somewhere. That way she could hop into the shower after being covered in the crimson of the ugly process. This would make the reader wonder, “How ugly was that process that she had to get naked and end up being covered in werewolf blood? Daaaang.” You wouldn’t even have to describe the process. Naked, she could walk up to the werewolf with her claws out. His eyes pop open.

You could hop back out of the bedroom and into the living room showing the ghoul holding up the phone to the air in the direction of the bedroom, taking in the sounds of furniture shattering and walls being slammed on the other side of the bedroom door. The ugliness is implied in Ms. Baudelaire being covered in blood.

Here is how I would build out and separate your first paragraph using the beautiful bricks you fashioned and baked in the kiln of you mind:

Like a spirit fighting against the chains of its host, the captivating strains of a violin beg to be heard, nearly drowned out by the nocturnal struggles in a city undeserving of its name. Los Angeles. L.A. is much less a city and much more a living being who knows very little sleep. Bursting with life during the day, her people, her fragile kine, unwittingly pay for mistakes made the night before by beings utterly incomprehensible to their caffeine addled minds. This is, "The American Dream” a dream in which fighting and bickering matter, in which the kine believe they are their own masters. A dream that, thankfully, they are unwilling to wake from.

The stars have lost some of their sparkle to electrical luminescence this night, much as they have the last ten thousand nights before. All this new light frustrates the slumbering L.A., revealing something well-hidden in her chaotic kine during the day, something brutal and sinister, now made known in their purest forms. Lust and avarice. Willingly branded to their bodies by their own hands, are these two silly letters.

Caressing the most exquisitely plaintive chords along her bow, Corin begs for salvation with her violin tucked firmly under her chin...

---

Think in terms of a dart board. Your character is the bulls eye. The world you build around it must connect to your character. In this case, the vampire’s world is mostly internal which you described beautifully. I started vague on the outside edges describing the violin sound only and then worked my way towards the character in the center with her specific action of playing the violin, showing the source of the sound.

I know you can see it now. I’m impressed you had all of this written. WOW.

I would like to see how you adjust the other parts of your existing story. Please get back to me when you do adjust them, I would very much like to help you.

To which I say, "OHHH SHIT!"

Rudest, I'm sure if you ask nicely, Zer0Morph will let you evolve the website header. After which, I hope he'll let you paint the load screens. I like how the current load screens in Camarilla Edition v. 1.4 evoke a sense of breadth and depth in the night. No matter how powerful one may be, the night is always more omnipotent than the one it serves and can turn on the proudest of us whenever it chooses. The night cares nothing for the passage of time, but we feel it hour by hour, foisting its burdens upon our shoulders as though we were carrying the full weight of our own dead bodies without reprieve. The night doesn't care how much noise we make. She looks at us alabaster infants screaming for refilled bottles and simply waits for us to cry ourselves to sleep. This is how we grow stronger with the night, learning to carry more and more, wanting to cry less and less until we are as she is, immovable.

You're a damned good contemporary artist. Color is mood to you and that's good. Texture is sound to you and this is also good. Your work looks as though it only means to say one thing with each piece, to strike one chord and make us appreciate how well the reverberations echo within our empty spaces. Your work is very tight, very up close and intimate, like a taunt. "I know you can smell me. You can almost taste me too, can't you? I dare you to feed from me." If you can find the perfect balance between breadth and intimacy, then I would love to see what your load screens would look like.

Well, for the new CE loading screen and character sheet background, the merits go to Claudia. She really did a great job there.

-

Man's own devices steal away the moonlight, the casualties of a forest felled. Air conditioners, chimneys, and television antennas streak passed my eyes as bullets whisper in my ears and nip at the balls of my feet. Twinges of fatigue grip me now, telling me to rest, telling me to catch my breath. Rest. What rest? Breathe. With what breath? “Move it you lying bitch.”

This isn’t working. I need to take cover, change direction. Behind that chimney is as good a place as any. Reach! Yes! No! Fuckin' gravel! Great. Not only is my shoulder dislocated from grabbing on to this piece a shit chimney, but I got a couple lead kisses as consolation for falling on my undead ass. Fuckin' gravel. I can smell him closing in on me. Shit-shit-shit, I gotta move. The edge of this roof is lookin’ real nice. Can I make it? Shit, I don’t know. “Here goes nothin’!”

----------

PGM1961,

Put yourself in the moment. Writing an action sequence in the first person is the best, and really the only way to write an action sequence when using it to introduce a character.

Words are music, PGM1961. You are the composer, the conductor, and the player. Be in love with words.

Here is a very useful link:

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/356173/how_to_use_simile_metaphor_irony_and.html

If you would like my help with this your excerpt, then let me know.

Chapter I – Poetic Embrace

Central Park – December, 1950

Kyria sat herself on the park bench, savoring the chill in the air. While she was quite used to the feeling, she never quite got used to New England winters. Central Park looked like something on a postcard, the grass covered with snow, the trees barely holding up the snow on its leaves. The scene was completely inappropriate for what she intended to do, but that was of no concern to her. Maybe she'd be the highlight of the news soon enough, perhaps something to cause some other artist to make money, or inspire the once piece to make them famous, but sadly, none of the art she might posthumously inspire, would not bear her name. In fact, if things went as she thought, the only other thing that would bear her name any time soon, would be a grave marker.

------

Maxis Corvin, I’m glad you can put sentences together and are aware of keeping a consistent tone, as well as, sustaining movement in your story. There are a few inconsistencies in tone, logic, and an egregious lacking of introspection which do much to expose your deficiencies.

“Chapter I – Poetic Embrace”

This is the sort of title to a chapter which creates a burden of proof. It’s vague enough and cliché enough to demand scrutiny and invite suspicion. My first thought, “Poetic Embrace. Oh yeah, how poetic? The embrace part is obviously meant to hint toward World of Darkness lore, but the poetic part is as yet unproven, and like most folks who try to force a qualitative assertion in their titles will probably fall short of delivering on their promise.”

Poetry is metaphor, not exposition. This story was all impersonal exposition. There was no metaphor to be found, no poetry, no justification for the title. Choose a title which speaks to your core argument, which speaks to exactly what you are trying to say without being obvious, or don’t use a title at all and instead let the story speak for itself.

“Central Park – December, 1950”

This sort of heading is found in log books and journals, but not something so personal as to be considered poetic. At most the date should be shown, but not the place. To name the place in the heading is to rob the story of its opportunity to create the setting in a poetic way, consequently half-killing your story before it has even begun.

“Kyria sat herself on the park bench, savoring the chill in the air. While she was quite used to the feeling, she never quite got used to New England winters.”

How can Kyria savor the chill in the air without ever having become fully accustomed to New England winters? Her savoring of the chill implies that she is enjoying every single second of it. Saying she never quite got used to New England winters implies that she never quite got used to enjoying every second of it. So which is it? Did she or did she not enjoy the chill in the air? One statement is counter to the other. The logic is broken.

“Central Park looked like something on a postcard, the grass covered with snow, the trees barely holding up the snow on its leaves.”

To reference a postcard is to reference a static image, a dead image, one which is ubiquitous and consequently, unoriginal. Instead make reference to your (Kyria’s) senses of sight, hearing, smell, taste, and touch. Bring me into the moment, the living moment.

“The scene was completely inappropriate for what she intended to do, but that was of no concern to her. Maybe she'd be the highlight of the news soon enough, perhaps something to cause some other artist to make money, or inspire the once piece to make them famous, but sadly, none of the art she might posthumously inspire, would not bear her name. In fact, if things went as she thought, the only other thing that would bear her name any time soon, would be a grave marker.”

Your are her. You are Kyria. To say that what she intends to do is completely inappropriate to the scene begs the question: “What is she intending to do?” Which is a good thing. This strings me along, the way a story should, but then you say her action is of no concern to her which then begs the question: “Why is it of no concern to her?” Your subsequent rapping about what extrinsic value her action might have shows irrefutable concern for her intended action. So which is it? Is she or is she not concerned with what she intends to do? Because you certainly are. Enough to rap about it. Her cares and your cares no longer match. Here again the logic is broken.

Write what would embarrass you if someone were to divine that the contents of what you wrote were actually portions of you. Do this with style and a touch of tenderness and you've got it made.

If you like my help with your story, then let me know.