Comments On Published Fan Fiction

Eliza, a very minor caveat, that everybody else seemed to miss:
"sinister and mischief"
sinister is an adjective, that i know, mischief is a noun.
either "sinister and mischievous" or "sinister and full of mischief".

and you did leave unresolved whether she had to exsanguinate the werewolf or not.

but other than that i found it powerful, brooding, moving, i like these kinds of pieces, which take place, in which the action takes place, in the "inner space", of mood and feeling, of nuances of interaction, nuances of posture and tone of voice, and what you are experiencing, how they move you, what you are feeling and emoting (feeling verb from feeling noun and emoting verb from noun emotion.)

this piece was very poetic, even if a gritty kind of poetic, maybe it was about finding poetry in a gritty surrounding.

still.

perhaps the story could include another story section that did include the handling of the werewolf, to tie that loose end? or maybe it was your original intent to leave it hanging, to add to the mood? another gritty distraction she had to deal with, when all she wanted was poetry in her life?

and i can't help the feeling that the two story sections are somewhat disconnected.
each would stand on her own as a separate story, or as part of something bigger.
as it is the first one deals with ambiance and mood, describing the home environment.
the second is more "action", the interaction with the outside world.
and they don't segue with each other.
the outside world suddenly intrudes, explodes, upon the home environment.
she was trying to make herself cozy at home, and suddenly the outside world intrudes.
you could have given some foreshadowing for the second section during the first, something like, "she was waiting for a phone call" or some such.

z.o.o. wrote:

“Chapter I – Poetic Embrace”

This is the sort of title to a chapter which creates a burden of proof. It’s vague enough and cliché enough to demand scrutiny and invite suspicion. My first thought, “Poetic Embrace. Oh yeah, how poetic? The embrace part is obviously meant to hint toward World of Darkness lore, but the poetic part is as yet unproven, and like most folks who try to force a qualitative assertion in their titles will probably fall short of delivering on their promise.”

Poetry is metaphor, not exposition. This story was all impersonal exposition. There was no metaphor to be found, no poetry, no justification for the title. Choose a title which speaks to your core argument, which speaks to exactly what you are trying to say without being obvious, or don’t use a title at all and instead let the story speak for itself.

Somewhat vague, I know. Maybe there is some dark piece of poetry that might be close to the tone of this story, but I can't say I know it. Though my intent with that title was more about the scene that would transpire, if the events would go exactly how Kyria plans them to.

Quote :

“Central Park – December, 1950”

This sort of heading is found in log books and journals, but not something so personal as to be considered poetic. At most the date should be shown, but not the place. To name the place in the heading is to rob the story of its opportunity to create the setting in a poetic way, consequently half-killing your story before it has even begun.

I'd say I wasn't doing much thinking when I put that in, but I was. Obviously mentioning it in passing is better than making it so important(and in this case, this isn't Kyria writing in journal sometime later).


I'd love some help with this, and not just because I lack knowledge of oWOD lore(aside from what I've learned from the two games, and such).

You are guys are amazing! I never get in this section of the site but I thought I'd take a peek yesterday and read/view some of the artwork. I'm impressed, really I am. We have some very talented writers and graphic artists (Rudest). You've got my mind turning as to how we can apply some of this talent to a TCI creation for Bloodlines.

Thank you Zero. I concur, some very good reads here.

Whoah. I've finally found the time (and, more importantly, inspiration!) to rework the first oneshot of 'Alltägliche Pflichten'. It's now also up on devART, so if anyone should stumble across it there, it's mine, not a copy.

Anyway, I think you can clearly see the break in my writing style at the two middle passages I've added. I couldn't exactly reconstruct my 'writing mood', so this can't be helped. (I'm much of a mood writer, the same idea can look really different depending on what I'm feeling the moment I start to write.)
If there's anything you'd like to point out, be it grammar or logical mistakes, please, feel free to, but leave the thread where I'm posting clean of any comments, will you? Thanks.

Eliza wrote:

Whoah. I've finally found the time (and, more importantly, inspiration!) to rework the first oneshot of 'Alltägliche Pflichten'. It's now also up on devART, so if anyone should stumble across it there, it's mine, not a copy.

Hmmm. Might you be able to post a link to the story or are your going to repost it here?

z.o.o. wrote:

Eliza wrote:

Whoah. I've finally found the time (and, more importantly, inspiration!) to rework the first oneshot of 'Alltägliche Pflichten'. It's now also up on devART, so if anyone should stumble across it there, it's mine, not a copy.

Hmmm. Might you be able to post a link to the story or are your going to repost it here?

Er... if I'm not stupid now, I did post it. I simply edited the post in 'Alltägliche Pflichten' and added the version which is new, it's longer now - about two paragraphs longer, that is. The old text was deleted altogether.

Aaaand Edit(h) says: I'm not stupid! It's there. Really. I've even edited the 'reason for editing'-thingie. Did you just overlook it or ... ?

Eliza, if you only edit your file, and don't post a new reply, it doesn't show as new. And the topic doesn't move to the top of the forum. So people won't see that you have posted something new there.

-

Childe of Malkav wrote:

Eliza, if you only edit your file, and don't post a new reply, it doesn't show as new. And the topic doesn't move to the top of the forum. So people won't see that you have posted something new there.

-

Yeah, well, I know. That's why I stated in this comments-thread that I updated it. I didn't want to post a reply if I'm only editing something. It may not apply to this forum, but I was 'brought up' with the strict rules of many boards: Posting twice in a row is bad, bad, bad ; asking questions without using FAQs and search functions means you're too daft to do it ; if you go out-of-topic in a thread, your ass will be kicked by the moderator, so use PMs for this stuff ... etc etc etc. And, frankly, I don't want to get rid of these rules that have been hammered into my head; even if the TCI board is a lot more ... relaxed, I see this as simply being polite.

Haw. Nevermind.

"...that led her to a light-proof bedroom."

Eliza, right here is the perfect spot for some dialogue. For example:

"Heather, be a dear and unzip me." There was no way she would be going through the ugly process of exsanguinating a really nosy and resilient, albeit stupid and untrained werewolf in one of her expensive dresses. Ms. Baudelaire turns her back to Heather who takes her request with much enthusiasm knowing she would no longer be stuck alone in a room with scrotum-licking instant death.

Now unzipped, Ms. Baudelaire raises her arms along her sides with her violin and bow pinched between the fingers of each hand as though they're cotton candy. Heather plucks the instrument from her hands, freeing them to aid in the slipping out of her dress. Heather winces at the sound of the werewolf unconsciously twinging in his bonds. In a blur, Ms. Baudelaire turns to Heather and catches her violin and bow in mid-air, saving them from the blood-matted, piss-ridden section of the floor.

“STAY.” Ms. Baudelaire stands up and hands a newly-mesmerized Heather her instrument again. “Hold these well.” With Heather holding as she should, Ms. Baudelaire walks over to her crumpled dress, picks it up from the floor, and returns to drape it over Heather's shoulders. She does nothing, but smile at the drool on Heather's face before she whispers in her ear. Her faculties regained, Heather swiftly leaves the room.

------

Eliza, before now, Heather was just an excuse for the sweaty ghoul to reference the bedroom situation. Now, she's an excuse for the bedroom situation to be referenced, some dialogue, a touch of exposition to show how she feels (or was taught to feel) about werewolves, and most importantly she's an excuse for the reader to infer things about Ms. Baudelaire's blood-born disposition.

That, “...blood-matted, piss-ridden section of the floor.” bit was me being a total imp. I thought it might be too visceral and disconcerting to mention these things, but I left it in there not knowing what would happen. I threw myself a curve ball on purpose so I could challenge my imagination just a smidgeon. And I think I've got some good excuses for everything that's been typed so far:

Maybe the floor is all blood-matted and piss-ridden because this isn't the first time Ms. Baudelaire has done this?

Maybe the blonde-haired, brown-eyed, ghoul was sweating bullets because this high-rise condo in Century City belongs to him and it happens to be in area designated as Elysium under the control of a rival clan?

Ms. Baudelaire really needs a first name to take the place of her last name after the sweaty ghoul says it once because it begins to sound pretentious and lazy. The last name begins to sound pretentious because consistently withholding the first name while mentioning the last name forces the mystery of her first name only, consequently distracting the reader from the mystery of the whole story. Which is more important, her first name or the whole story? The feeling of withholding trust and the repetition of the trust withheld begins to destroy the reader's desire to sympathize with or oppose the main character.

The last name begins to sound lazy because of the reader's already waning interest and the inevitability of the author's need to reference Ms. Baudelaire while she interacts with other characters when the words, “she” and, “her” aren't enough for the reader to distinguish or differentiate the characters sharing the same space.

------

I can't help but write in the present tense, it's what I like to do.

z.o.o. wrote:

Insert clever comment from above here

My god, if it weren't for the fact I forgot to mention that Ms. Baudelaire (with her first name being Nicole, just FYI ) was kicked out of her protagonist place in favor for a more 'human' replacement ... nevertheless, thank you, I'll never get used to the precision with which you comment.

Although I'm afraid that I didn't emphasize the room changes clear enough. It's my mistake, and I see it now, but I thought it would suffice to have a new room by the beginning of a new paragraph without telling the reader which room it is exactly. But, alas, it's true: What can be misunderstood, will be misunderstood. The werewolf isn't in Nicole's bedroom, but I can see now that it reads as such. I shouldn't have left out the part where she changes her dresses. Duh.
When the Ventrue enters the room with the sickbed, she has already put her violin away and changed into something more appropriate ... er ... I mean less ... hindering, of course. She then kicks Heather out, who has been watching the werewolf, and deals with him.
And - even though you're right, I had all the possiblities one could want to have some dialogue going on with Heather - I didn't want to. The oneshot ought to be that blurred. I have cut out most of the (for the reader) uninteresting parts to get to the bone of what the short excerpt is about. I would never dare to write this in acutal fiction (which is always more like prose, anyway), but I wanted to make the reader think (and wonder) about what actually happened between the paragraphs. Beating around the bush, so to speak, you know? Deliberately not saying stuff is something I really enjoy doing in short works, especially poems. (I always do it, to be honest, if I'm not roleplaying. Well, then it's more subtle, but still there. Dammit, where did I pick this habit up? Do you think it's something I should get rid off?)
I want this 'silence' to create suspense, and it does this for me (although I don't know if it does for every other reader); it's so ... final to write down what happens, if I leave it a blur in my mind, I can bend it all the more and think about the possibilities that could have happened, which doesn't have to be what comes to my mind first, does it?

Heh, and I take the risk of ruining any suspense this snippet might have created, but of course you're very much right ... this is absolutely not the first time she 'invited' someone around and then shipped the corpse back to the morgue. No, she's an expert concerning that, but it's a first-timer of having a werewolf as a guest, but I think that's stated pretty obviously, or am I wrong?
By the way, I so did enjoy how you played with Heather and Nicky. It's not my writing style, I wish I could write this way naturally, but it's all the more fun to read because I have mapped out Nicky's personality ... and now I can see how she looks to the outside. Fascinating!
Did I already say 'thank you'? I guess I did, but I'd like to do it again. Thank you.

Eliza wrote:

...Although I'm afraid that I didn't emphasize the room changes clear enough. It's my mistake, and I see it now, but I thought it would suffice to have a new room by the beginning of a new paragraph without telling the reader which room it is exactly. But, alas, it's true: What can be misunderstood, will be misunderstood. The werewolf isn't in Nicole's bedroom, but I can see now that it reads as such. I shouldn't have left out the part where she changes her dresses. Duh...

Learning how to order your thoughts is a skill you will learn over time. It's all you have left to learn.

You already know the saying, "Put yourself in the other person's shoes" so all you need to do is ask yourself how a reader might get confused as you are typing things out. Do at least two rough drafts.

Quote :

...And - even though you're right, I had all the possiblities one could want to have some dialogue going on with Heather - I didn't want to. The oneshot ought to be that blurred. I have cut out most of the (for the reader) uninteresting parts to get to the bone of what the short excerpt is about...

I wanted to use Heather more because she's the first celebrity in your story. She's the wink that you're making to the rest of us, she's the first bit of fan service. I thought she deserved a little bit more than a simple cameo appearance, but not much more. So I used Nicole's clan to make the assumption that she would be imperious in her dealings with Heather, imperious enough that, like a peon, Heather didn't speak in her presence.

Had I not used Heather a little more, there would be no reason why she shouldn't be cut out altogether. As it stands now, Heather is mentioned by the blonde ghoul and then told to go away. She's basically thrown away.

Quote :

...Deliberately not saying stuff is something I really enjoy doing in short works, especially poems. (I always do it, to be honest, if I'm not roleplaying. Well, then it's more subtle, but still there. Dammit, where did I pick this habit up? Do you think it's something I should get rid of?)...

No. Don't get rid of that specific skill. It makes your non-poetry stand out. Remember, all I had to do the first time was rearrange your sentences, add a dozen words to paste them together, and a really good piece of writing was born.

Quote :

...I want this 'silence' to create suspense, and it does this for me (although I don't know if it does for every other reader); it's so ... final to write down what happens, if I leave it a blur in my mind, I can bend it all the more and think about the possibilities that could have happened, which doesn't have to be what comes to my mind first, does it?...

There is always going to be a bigger, faster, stronger, writer than me and you so don't be embarrassed if your vernacular muscles can't lift as much as mine yet because you will improve over time. But, you won't get any stronger if you don't risk being embarrassed by what you write.

Oh, and by the way...you are welcome.

I present you ... Van Helsing Monica Demira, huntress par excellence, most recent arrival here in ... Los Angeles.
She's going to be one of the point-of-view-characters, if not protagonists (after all, a hunter's the only person to be considered somewhat of a hero in the WoD) in the second book/part/whatever of my story, and currently, I'm developing her personality as long as I still have it freshly printed on my mind's walls - which means I thought it about time to post another tidbit of juicy out-of-story work.
Never mind if her point of view is kept vaguely at best and sketchy at worst; if I'm going to have her act, she'll probably have more interesting (read: plot-relevant) things to do in her leisure time than hunting random vampires.

Enjoy reading!

Edith says: As always, please keep the 'literature'-thread itself clean and post any comments here. Thank you.

Eliza wrote:

Edith says: As always, please keep the 'literature'-thread itself clean and post any comments here. Thank you.

"What? Awe, don't worry Eliza. I ain't gonna do ya nothin'." I liked it.

You did good this time with giving your character a sense of space in relation to her surroundings. "Just across the supermarket she entered..." answered all the questions it needed to answer. If she entered the supermarket and no one is going crazy, then she didn't do it with a truck or something. She must be on foot.

The story started out nice and wide in the world of smells and then narrowed itself down to specific buildings, moved in closer to a couple of people and then flesh on top of flesh. Good good good. You crept ever closer to the impending conflict without wasting too much time, but at the same time not being so rushed that it felt disjointed.

“The taint of corpses...It made her sick, it made her sick to her stomach enough she had to throw her clothes away because they reeked of them...Corpses, corpses, corpses, everywhere she looked. This whole damned city was a cemetery full of dead bodies...”

These statements have an increasingly harried feel to them, bordering on lunacy or maybe even a, “lunar sympathy?” Wink, wink.

What if at the end of the story she makes mention of a full moon coming tomorrow?

You can hint that maybe she's a werewolf, she doesn't know it, and she has absolutely no idea why she can smell walking-talking corpses, or why she has this natural, almost automatic urge to kill them once a month. All the other little stuff like bodyguards and cops in pockets could be because her as yet unkown lycanthropic tendencies have made her paranoid, you know, "sketchy" like a wild animal?

Utterly grief stricken, she could go looking for answers to these questions as an excuse to make more stories.

The only other aspect of your story I would've changed is when she's explaining to the girl the lack of blood from the corpse, that she turns around to see the girl has already gone and she realizes she's been talking to herself for a bit. She could sigh and say something like, “Never fails. I'm not talkin' fer my own benefit. Jackasses.”

Monica could secretly hope someone would actually stick around and listen for once, so she can finally have some she can relate to.

z.o.o. wrote:

Long comment is long :O

Hoo-wee, I feel so proud. You didn't find any major mistakes - means I'm getting better! (At proof-reading. Hah. )

Actually, I don't know a thing about Werewolves, and as I stated quite some time ago, I'll be damned (not literally) if I include them in my story except for a short glimpse of why it's bad for vampires to leave their cities. So, no, dear Monica isn't going to eventually end up as a wolfie.
But your guess went into the right direction... away from VtM and to something a tad - well, different, but still connected to our most beloved Kindred. I won't say what exactly, that'd spoil all the fun, and I hate spoilers.

But I really like the idea that the 'girl' doesn't even listen (or hear, for that matter) to her talk, after all, Moni did just pull out a knife in front of her and stick it into her companion's face... that should send most people running like hell, especially if the 'murderer' then starts to wave her knife around again. I think I'll rewrite this.
And, well, maybe someone will stick around eventually... who knows where her murderous tendencies will take her?

Thank you, though. Your comment made my day... every ounce of feedback I get makes me want to write more. I guess that's why the guys and gals over at ff.net love to request reviews!

"Good thing she already took the money it had, pity about the stake, though. Ah, what the hell."

Okay Eliza, the only thing I would do here is turn part of that sentence into dialogue:

Good thing she already took the money it had. "Pity about the stake, though. Ah, what the hell."

@GabrialvonRichter.

OK, I finally found time to read the story you submitted properly.
I must admit I liked it. It has good plotline. It kept my attention. Only thing I had issue with was the way you handled dialogues. I would it more novel-like style. Like:

-sentence said by NPC-comment of narrator
-response by second NPC
-next dialogue line-comment

You know, like in novels. Other than that, no complaints. Flow of the story and dialogues were natural enough for me.
Overally, an interesting read.

Part of it is that I'm setting up the way the story will be told- not a lot of dialogue, and mostly a first-person narrative. The reader is basically Valerie, being told the story by Gabriel as they sit in his library over the course of a couple of nights. Any dialogue that pops up will basically just be them discussing a plot point or expanding on a topic that I feel most readers may need explained for their own edification.

Another part is that I'm more of a story and setting guy, and not so much with Dialogue- I find most conversations in novels to be tedious, overly-expository, and in many cases unnecessary to the story- the same info can often be conveyed (and usually much more simply) by either narrative explanation or a characters inner thoughts (which is what is in italics in my writing).

Can I be so bold as to draw attention to the latest story I posted in this forum?

I will ask your forbearance though.
I had been inactive in this forum when I completed it, so I did not think to post it here beforehand.
I posted it first at the Fan Fiction site.
And when I remembered to post it here, in this topic, what I chose to post here was the link to the story as posted at the site.
So I beg your patience to accept to go read it there.
Or to let me know if you would rather I post it here, on its own topic, chapter by chapter, post by post.

Strictly speaking it is not Fan Fiction to Vampire Bloodlines, though it is Fan Fiction to World of Darkness, or rather Old World of Darkness.

I'm not pointing out anything specific, but there's some really cool stories in here. Keep up the good work writers!

I've only read Maxus Corvins' stories so far, I could take a look eventually but don't count on it for a while ahead

Kastor785 wrote:

Hey there!
I do know that this is not the best place since I am new to this
Crossovers are accepted?

I am plannig one(Inspired by the Sabbat Vs Kuei-jin from the beginning but instead of MIng I use that Callyansomeonelast fight oh instead of those 3 I am using two independent clans members and an independent Brujah girl(Where is Jenny's bio?)I am planing her as her little sister..oh and that guy from the crossover story,including those shadow Ninjas and Scorpion Eaters

Kastor785 wrote:

damn it!DID not I screw up my story?

>>Implies you're asking people about your story

Karavolos wrote:

I've only read Maxus Corvins' stories so far, I could take a look eventually but don't count on it for a while ahead

As for this part

Kastor785 wrote:

But what I seek actually is the description of the Melpomenee(Daughters of Cacophony) can you help?

http://wodpedia.wikidot.com/disciplines
Enjoy.